


Freaking out

by herewegobacktomoon



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fix-It, Fluff, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:14:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27891373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herewegobacktomoon/pseuds/herewegobacktomoon
Summary: Hi everyone!This is the first time I write a fanfic. I did it because, after watching 4x03episode, I had some thoughts about how I would have liked to see Maya and Carina dealing with the freaking out. So, in order not to get crazy, I decided to note down my ideas, hoping that you may like it or interact with me, about what you were expecting or your ideas about the episode!! I hope you all enjoy the reading, let me know what you think!
Relationships: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 11
Kudos: 129





	Freaking out

_“So Carina moved in, this morning she made me French toast and I... I know “how nice”, “what a lovely gesture”: my super, super hot Italian girlfriend got up earlier to make this gourmet breakfast and I sat there nearly breaking out in hives because it was so... it was so nice. I mean, too nice? I kept looking around my apartment at her things on my bookshelves and her vagina art, and her bras drying in my bathroom, and I was like “Is this my life now?” I mean... I'm allergic to monogamy, and I moved in with my girlfriend during a pandemic, and there's something wrong with me because she's perfect and I want to be with her.I want to live with her, but it's like my body has a security system that goes off at all the wrong times. Or maybe it's just that Carina is light and lovely and I'm not. I'm dark and messy as hell.”_

Maya was heading back home from work, with all these words floating in her head.

It had been an overwhelming day, with all the Sullivan's related stuff, the report, Dixon who did nothing but throwing up roadblocks, Warren who had lost his PRT, and last but not least the call, which had been unpredictably scary, above all for Miller.

The only good thing was that, with Andy, they had started taking one step towards each other, trying to acknowledge some of the mistakes they had made and led them to have their friendship hanging by a thread.

Although apparently she didn't have time to think, all day she couldn't help but thinking about Carina and what had happened that morning.

She thought about her words and couldn't figure out how she was feeling; guilty for what she had said to Andy, angry at herself for not having been able to talk to Carina, or just messy, but it was probably all of them.

She took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions, trying to establish some kind of order between all that chaos she had in her head, and stepped inside.

A warm and soft voice immediately welcomed her “Hi bella, how was your day?”. 

Before Maya could answer, Carina had already placed a gentle kiss on her lips, smiling widely but with her eyes not as bright as usual.

Maya felt her heart thudding, a feeling only Carina was able to provoke: “Quite long and tiring, but at least, it all went good. What about you?” she said, walking towards the couch, both to relax a bit and to avoid eye-contact with her girlfriend.

Carina hesitated a little, and then answered, with her voice struggling to sound confident “My day was quite tiring too, I've picked up all my stuff from the boxes and cleaned the house. Now you can sleep well, no more mess around!” she added, smiling, trying to push away what was bothering her.

Maya hinted at a smile, a faded but sincere one, and she went towards the bathroom to take a shower, as if it would have washed away all her insecurities.

Meanwhile, Carina started making dinner, to switch her mind off, but the attempt turned out to be quite an awful solution.

Her head brought her back to that look on Maya's face, to those beautiful warm eyes who seemed to be actual ice that morning. She could tell Maya was absent-minded, but she could only speculate about it as she didn't say a word.

She hadn't said anything to her girlfriend, but as a 100% Italian woman, she had been thinking about it all day, trying to understand what could have been the reason for her reaction, making assumptions which were not helping at all. Her mind started wandering in the darkest places possible and she couldn't stop it from doing so. She had strongly tried to keep herself busy, but it hadn't been that useful.

She wanted to talk to Maya about it, but she was also afraid that a wrong word may have caused a new storm that she had no strength to handle alone right now.

When Maya came back to the kitchen, the situation wasn't that different: she had washed away the sweat, the smog, all the dirt her skin had absorbed in a full-day of work, but her own words, each doubt, every single fear kept stuck to her.

“The dinner's ready, I made you my specialty: panzanella di farro and then, there's also a surprise baking in the oven!” Carina said, getting closer to the table and to Maya, leaning to kiss her forehead.

“I don't deserve you. You're perfect.” the blonde replied, caressing her girlfriend's face, staring at her for a whole minute, as she was a creature who came from another world.

If she could see a light, a stable one, in that storm that had engulfed her that morning, it was her love for Carina: she had no doubt about it, about what she felt for her. It was just that she had to find a way to live that feeling free from anxious thoughts and fear.

They both sat at the table, having dinner quite silently, exchanging just a few words, the necessary ones to keep a conversation going without actually having it.

Half an hour later, between some sips of white wine and some bites of an extremely well-cooked meal, Carina got up to take a sweet-smelling pie. As Maya saw it, she rolled her eyes and claimed:

“Oh God, I'm gonna get sooo fat. Baby, my sweet tooth will undoubtedly thank you later: you know me too well.”

Without even thinking about it, with a soft voice which followed a deep sigh, Carina let these words come out of her mouth: “I wish I would...”

Maya froze: her whole body stopped responding after hearing these words. She knew Carina's tone was warm, with no angst in it, but it was as if her words had switched on something inside her.

With insecurity biting her tongue, Maya asked “Hey babe, is there something wrong?”

Carina's expression suddenly changed, making Maya feeling concerned, as she didn't see it coming at all.

The Italian's eyes got wider, but not with joy: they were teary, struggling to look straightforward as she lowered her head, not to show that she was feeling like the world was crumbling down.

Maya took a step closer, cupping her girlfriend's face in her hands and kissing her softly:“I'm here for you. Tell me, what's going on?”.

“I don't know... I, I don't know how to explain it...” Carina said with her broken voice, in the attempt of keeping her tears in.

Maya took her by the hand and led her to the couch, where they sat, with Carina resting her back on Maya's chest, wrapped in her arms as she tried to calm down.

When they were all cuddled up, probably feeling safer, Carina tried to continue: “ This morning, while we were having breakfast, there was this look you made that...that worried me. I have been thinking about it all day...”

Maya immediately realized: she wasn't the only one who had had to face a storm that day.

Although it was hard for her, to explain her feelings, she decided to try, to make an effort to show Carina it wasn't about her.

“I know...” she said breathing heavily “I freaked out...”

Unconsciously, she tightened her grip on Carina, as if she was afraid to lose her, to make another false move.

The Italian noticed it, but she didn't move, she felt safe. She just took Maya's hand, stroking it softly, to let her girlfriend know she was there, listening to her.

“Why?” she asked warmly.

“Because I don't know how love works... And the table time, was it breakfast or lunch or dinner, never felt like something good to me since I was a child. It was a time for rewards or punishments: there were no in-between, no emotions to be showed.”

Carina's heart started beating faster, as if it was following the pace of Maya's.

“Oh Maya, I'm sorry... I didn't think of it as a possible trigger for you, I didn't want to upset you.”

She turned towards her, for another kiss, before Maya could add “Carina, it's not your fault. Actually you didn't upset me at all: I think that French toast made me orgasm”.

Carina giggled childishly, also quite proudly, and then asked “Why didn't you tell me that? You know that I'm here for you, and I hope you can trust me enough to open up with me. It's hard, I'm aware of it, but we can do it together, one step at the time.”

Maya nodded and squeezed her hand, trying to find the right words to not mess everything up again.

She didn't want to hurt her girlfriend, but she feared not being capable of it: she knew each word has a huge power that can either save you or destroy you.

She hesitated and Carina got up from her chest, now sitting right in front of her, their hands still intertwined: “You can talk, directly, I can handle this. What matters now is that your feelings find their way out, so that you can feel lighter and free.”

Maya was looking at her admiringly: with Carina, everything was different. Everything had always been different, since their very fist meeting, at the bar. It was as if her eyes could read Maya's soul, in such a pure way she didn't think it was possible.

Then, she let out a deep sigh and said: “The more I get to spend time with you, the more I think I'm the luckiest person on this world.” a very much needed kiss interrupted her speech again, but it was worth it. It gave her enough confidence to keep talking.

“Well, you know... I feel like it's kinda weird having this conversation with my girlfriend, but I need to, so...as you probably know, in my CV, just right after gold medalist champion and Firefighter captain, you can find “queen of monogamy”, I mean you could have found it if you had read it before I had met you. Ok this is quite awkward...” Maya was twisting her tongue, but Carina smiled at her, with a smirk which somehow reassured her. “Keep going, this story caught all my attention, Miss Maya – monogamy is for the weak- Bishop”.

Maya couldn't help but smile “I keep wondering why Vic can't just keep her mouth shut sometimes, my position is quite embarrassing at this point. Anyway...all this just to say that this was my life before you: occasional hook-ups which were nothing but an enjoyable night of self-care. But I've never known what loving someone feels like...I mean, most of my relationships, with my father, my mother or even my brother had always let me down, because of them or because of me, I don't know... but what happened is that I decided to throw away my feelings, shutting them up so that I didn't have to face disappointments anymore...”

Carina stared at her, listening carefully to every single word the blonde was saying and never loosening her grip on Maya's hand, delicately rubbing her thumb over it, to remind her that she had no intention to leave.

Maya's heart fastened her pace, causing her little trouble breathing, but she continued: “With you, it's different. Everything is new, my life has completely changed. To make things clear, it's not my “monogamy queendom” that I miss, because I love you so freaking much you have no idea. What I'm lacking of is a start point, a path to follow. I do truly love you like I never loved anyone else, but it feels like my body has a security system that doesn't allow me to do what I'd like to.

I fear that I could hurt you and that freezes me, every time...”

As Maya's eyes were starting to become sadder, Carina noticed it and took her into her arms.

Between a light kiss on the shoulder and a deeper one on the neck, Carina says “I know, it takes time to learn new stuff, above all where it's a totally new experience. But I want you to remember this: if I'm here, if I stayed, it's because I love you. It's true, people can hurt each other, but that doesn't mean they can't also heal each other. You made a mistake, it's true, but I forgave you and every day that goes by, your presence and your love are able to mend my scars.

I love you Maya and if you don't know the path to cross, it's not a big deal: we'll build one of our own and we'll find out how love works.”

Maya knew, in that precise moment, that asking Carina to move in with her, was the best choice she could have ever made: her words had made the storm in Maya calm down, leaving a little fire lit up, one of those fires which only ignite happiness.

Out of the blue, without saying a word she stood up, Carina looking at her with no clue of what was happening, and she grabbed her by the hand, pulling her in for a hug. Carina couldn't help but smile, kissing her girlfriend lips, lowering to her neck, and then finding her way to her collarbone.

With a smirk and her eyes full of both happiness and love, Maya said “I may not know what path to follow, but if we have to build our own one, I'm sure our first step is towards the bedroom.”

Carina nodded with a smirk “No doubts, Captain. I'll follow your lead”.


End file.
